Writing is work. It takes effort to mute all the outside distractions in order to spend time in that glorious inner world where everything goes according to your plan. But there are times when the outside world fuels that inner world and the oddest things happen. The world takes on more depths. This of course would be fine if that author was full of sunshine and light.
Allow me to introduce to you Ms. Grumpy T. Author. Her normal job has been customer service in a variety of fields, often dealing with the public at its worst. This prolific writer of dozens of unpublished novels recently agreed to sit down at my desk to fume and grouse and distract me from my world of sunshine and light. While I’m sure she has reason for her given name, she can be something of a distraction. So to deal with her, I decided to do an interview. Fortunately she was willing to go along with it.
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Me: Thanks for taking the time to speak to me today.
GA: Why not? You have coffee.
Me: Yes… well… let's talk about your writing habits.
GA: (inhaling a huge mug of coffee) My habit isn’t writing. My habit is plotting something painful for the people in my life.
Me: Uh… Well, there has been a question about the number of murders that occur in your novels. Why so many..
GA: I don’t know. Why do so many people piss me off during the day?
Me: Are you always so grumpy?
GA: Nah. I wake up first. Then someone opens their mouth and here I am.
Me: Seriously though. The deaths of the victims in your stories are pretty horrific. Why is that?
GA: The victimology is dependent on how much the real person annoyed me. You can tell how much I get annoyed as no one dies peacefully in their sleep.
Me: Even your villains die horribly.
GA: Can’t salvage a sociopath.
Me: Do you ever see something of yourself in your characters?
GA: Yeah… sometimes I’m the sociopath.
Me: Do you think, therefore, your characters can redeem you from your murderous ways? Will one of them demand to be spared?
GA: Oh please, just be thankful I leave the heroes alive.
Me: (clears throat) So… Do you enjoy the detail that you put into your stories?
GA: Well…. Yeah. I mean, if you’re going to write a serial killer, you have to pay attention to detail in order to remain consistent throughout the story.
Me: Then is it important to have connections between your heroes and villains?
GA: (frowns) Well, duh. I mean if there was no connection, then why would the hero bother to stop him? I mean seriously…
Me: So, for clarification, what is the difference between a villain and a henchman?
GA: (snorts) The easy answer? They die first.
Me: Uh…
GA: Oh come on. If it wasn’t for the henchmen making stupid mistakes, the villain would be able to get away with what he does. I don’t do much with henchmen. Rookie mistake to add them.
Me: Um, okay then. Moving on. Are there benefits of recurring villains?
GA: Why not ask me a hard question? That’s easy. I don’t have to make up a new guy in every book. (shrugs) Although I suppose he has to get caught eventually. (feral smile) Though very useful in creating a series of books.
Me: Well, thanks Ms. Author. That’s all the time we have today. It’s been an interesting experience talking to you.
GA: Heh. This was fun. What’s your name again? I need another victim.
Me: (swallows hard)
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